i'm not sure! i'm proud of all of them for different reasons, but i think the answer is always a toss-up between takedown and hgif. i think takedown is the best thing i've written so far, and it's had by far the biggest impact on my experience in the fandom and my approach to writing out of any of my fics. and then i'm proud of hgif because i experiment a lot more with the way i construct sentences and convey emotions in it, and i've done a lot of digging into point of view. i don't think that the difference in my prose in that fic is actually noticeable to most people (though i have had a couple of people comment on it!), but it's very apparent to me, especially when i'm writing it. it feels really different to write. i've said this before, but with hgif i'm kind of trying to get to the moment before the story.

like, when we have experiences in our lives, after we have them we kind of interpret the experience and our emotions and we fit them into the stories of our lives, right? we tell ourselves a narrative about what happened and what it meant. it puts some distance between us and what the actual visceral raw experience was like. and in general when i'm writing fic, i'm writing with that bit of distance, where the pov character is packaging and interpreting their experiences in real time. they've decided what they're feeling and they can tell themselves about it. but with hgif, i'm trying to depict the moment before that, when we're in the moment and acting on instinct and feeling things as they come to us. no narrative, no understanding, just experience. it makes it harder to write, and i think it's a harder fic for people to connect with, maybe because of that lack of clarity, but i'm always proud of myself for trying that, and i think sometimes i succeed.

you're SO on the right track with that jk image! this video was totally what we had in mind when we were writing that abrupt energy shift before nj opens the door in that chapter, and the clip you mentioned fits so well with just before that, when he's leaning against his bike texting 🥵. it's so cool to see him flip that switch into performance mode! the focus! (attention is sexy!) i've honestly never thought about jungkook thinking that namjoon might be play-acting as gloss during their sessions and not being quite genuine, and i think that's a super interesting interpretation. it's definitely more present in nj's pov in the earlier part of the fic, like during their first real scene together he's thinking of his book character and how he's supposed to feel and stuff like that, so i can see where you got it from!

i shared this message with beebalm, bc i wanted to get her perspective on it and see what her interpretation is too. and she said she thinks jk is aware that nj's reactions to him in the moment are genuine, but there definitely is that sort of role disconnect you were talking about in that nj's a client. like jungkook's used to his clients wanting him physically and even romantically, but just because they want him during the time when they're paying him doesn't mean that desire is gonna extend outside of the service he's providing. she said "someone being genuinely into him still doesn’t override the fact that he’s a prostitute and it’s a business transaction and he’s not like… someone they’d introduce to their mother with no shame." 🥲 y'know, that saying about how people don't pay prostitutes for sex, they pay them to leave afterward.

so i do think jungkook has his own reservations/doubts about nj's feelings because he knows that he's a fantasy for most people, and that most people also want him to stay that way. it's escapism! up to this point, all of his interactions with namjoon have been so centered around this transactional relationship, he doesn't have anything outside of that to compare it to. which is why i'm so excited about the snow storm sleepover in the next chapter, because it's the first time either of them are gonna have an extended interaction where jungkook's not on the clock. they have to just be people!! what's that gonna be like?! always a pleasure to talk to you 🥰

hi, no you!!! i've been listening to soccer mommy a lot, mostly her album color theory! her sound reminds me of the breeders a lot (so much so that i often have to listen to last splash right after i listen to her lol), and it's fun to listen to while i'm on bike rides! i've also been listening to ricky montgomery more recently. he has that sort of flat, very well-articulated style of singing that i always seem to be really drawn to. it pleases my ear! how about you? any music you have on repeat?