one of my friends was saying this same thing, too! about interacting being easier irl. and there are a lot of real-time social cues we get irl that are just missing online. online you can't read someone's facial expression or interest level as they're speaking to you, and often you're not having an instantaneous back and forth, so the rhythm of the conversation can be strange and it's hard to tell if they took an hour to reply to you bc they got busy with something or if it's because they secretly hate you lol!! people are more confrontational and hyperbolic online too, so i think interactions can go sour faster. it's hard!

i also wanna say that like, even if i AM going around talking about community through comments or whatever, it's because that's the interaction mode i'm attached to in fandom, so ofc i specifically want to nurture it. but no one is doing anything wrong or being a bad person by not interacting with fandom like that. it's fine to lurk, and i'm not judging anyone who does it! i spent like my first decade in fandom just lurking off and on lol! for some people, fic is a smaller and more casual part of their fan experience, or they're not In The Fandom in an intense way, or whatever. like, everyone should participate as they are willing and able, and sometimes that means not at all! but i do also think it's valuable to give people some encouragement or a nudge to try it out.

the sick reality of it all is that you gotta just do it anyway! i'm not saying it's easy to talk to people, or that i enjoy talking to new people - it's scary, and i feel very deeply that i do not understand most people or their priorities and that they think i'm weird and off-putting. but it's a skill just like others, and it can be practiced. and the reality of practicing something is that you will fail sometimes - you'll have awkward exchanges, you'll meet people who aren't very nice to you, you'll try to connect and things will fizzle out. but that doesn't mean that every person in the world is exactly the same - you exist, and therefore someone who thinks similarly to you or is compatible to you exists out there too.

the harsh fact is that if you never try to talk to anyone, you will never talk to anyone. i think a lot of us harbor fantasies of someone supernaturally friendly coming along and seeing something special in us and coaxing us very gently and patiently out of our shell over time. the thought of not having to try is comforting! but the reality is that most people are also too scared of not being liked to be running around pulling others out of their shells. everyone wants to be liked, and everyone is terrified that they aren't! but if you show up to the function with "you don't care about me and you won't like me" energy, that energy is going to be self-fulfilling! people are skittish little animals, and honestly, by starting out an interaction telling someone, either out loud or more subtly, that they won't like you, you've begun the interaction by insulting the other person. you've made a judgment about them that they aren't nice and that they're gonna hate you! it feels like it's protecting you, but it's not going to make the other person feel good or like they wanna keep talking to you. instead you have to tell yourself what feels like a lie! channel kim seokjin and say "i deserve to be here and i'm an interesting and valuable person," even if your ears are red and on the inside you want to scream! and, also like kim seokjin, if you fall down or you do poorly, just try again anyway!

the thread anon is responding to