[24/06/24] aaa glad you liked it, i was nervous about the reception for this one ahldskjfd i do think that while lld seems to view gender in a very logical way, that’s because like khj says most of the battle is in her head. she has her own struggles, she just doesn’t show them very obviously and when she talks about it, it’s only when she’s already figured out how to put what she feels into a logical sequence of words, whereas we’re really trying to get into khj’s head with all the mess. from lld’s perspective, she’s also not seeing the struggle, other than those moments where khj is suddenly acting off. i wanted to try to tackle how, esp in the age where we’re trying to break down gender roles, there’s kind of a contradiction? with social dysphoria and all of that, how can you explain the discomfort of being perceived as certain way without tying it intrinsically to gender roles? and you kinda can’t separate it here, but i think the root here really isn’t about what they do but rather how they’re perceived / how they think they’re perceived, if that makes any sense? like w how khj treats lld, really nothing changes. even if lld had not come out to her, she still would’ve made the according observations and adjustments but what mattered to lld is how khj thinks about her in her head.

for their designations, i normally default to a/b!khj, b!csj, o!kjy, o!psb, b/o!lld, a/b!ndw, a!sjy, b!lyr, o!idy, a!uyj but i’m honestly curious to know what others might have in mind. it would cool to see people explore a/b/o wuju more tbh!

i don’t think i have specific standout lines in this fic that i particularly like but one thing i think is sort of important is this line towards the start: they’re both woefully aware of hyunjung’s inadequacy, she guesses, and luda must’ve known what she signed up for. i wanted to establish khj’s feeling of inadequacy from there very start. she likes lld a lot and is very happy to be with her but quite frankly has no idea how she pulled. lld likes her ofc and thinks it’s cute, but khj is still insecure not so much about losing her but about failing to be enough. i have a bunch of thoughts on various things that i wanted to include in this fic but honestly i’m still sorting through my thoughts on it. in a way, i think it’s a messy fic because it tries to tackle so many interwoven things, but that’s also the nature of this subject matter - you can’t really isolate elements to study them because they all affect each other.

also the part where khj is trying to tell lld and it’s distressing to her that lld is crying. it’s not a question at all if lld supports khj, but it’s still gonna suck to be broken up with (or to put their rs on a break, esp w her impending heat come up (i have a drafted scene for that, but it didn’t make the cut)). all around the situation sucks for both of them, but i don’t want to frame it in a way where being trans is the problem. it’s really not at all, but it does change things and sorting out who she is is stressful for khj. but it’s also just how things are and when she figures it out, it’ll get better. it’s a journey and this is just the start.

also! some songs i was listening to while working through this: where i took the title from, the text on the graphic, “i’m fighting in the dark trying not to break your heart” and “trust it’s not your fault can’t expect you to understand”