I genuinely hope you are able to move away from all this and get better. You never will if you keep doing this to yourself. The people around you online only want to make a martyr of you and your suffering. Me included because I am parasocially writing this message. Anyways, we will never be friends but I am an internet historian or something so I hope the next time I come across you you aren't self harming so blatantly. Much love from The Angel watching from outside your window!